The Diary of a Recovering Good Girl {part 2}

Yesterday was such a productive day. After weeks of procrastinating and school work, it felt so good to be running errands and marking "to do's" off of the list. Getting up early and getting dressed makes such a difference in how my day goes. 
If you have been reading for a few weeks, you might have seen my part 1 post from my reading of Grace for the Good Girl. I know it is taking me forever to get through this one but it is a GREAT read and I wanted to be able to soak in all the Emily has to share, so I am taking it slow. Today I came to chapter 8: Picket Fences.

It is all about this little thing we like to call our 'comfort zone'. It is a mask that I can hide behind better than any other mask in the book. It's where I live, comfy and cozy, never stepping on anyone's toes and aiming to please. To get to the heart of the matter I have to share with you Emily's words:

"She was deciding between a small, educational activity book or a set of colorful princess pencils. With the book in one hand and the pencils in the other, she quietly held them up to her daddy's face as if to ask him which one he thought she should choose." 

She goes on to tell how the little girls father tried to sway her to choose the activity book and the girl walked out of the store with a big smile and pencils in hand. 

It is something that I have always struggled with, the ability to have a voice of my own. Some people may not have even asked their father but I know I would have. I want to choose whatever will make people the most proud of me, whatever will make me good. For so long I begged God to make me into that girl. The one that walks with confidence and always has the perfect thing to say in any situation. She doesn't ask other opinions because she doesn't need them. But that is not my comfort zone. For years it has been more important to me for people to get a glimpse of who they think I am, rather than who I really am. That is what's easiest. I can work to shape that girl into whatever she needs to be. It's not an act, it's more like a wall I have put up to give the illusion that nothing is wrong here. 

This past summer, after arriving back home from my 10 week trip to the Philippines, I was at a very low point. I had poured out everything that I had to offer spiritually, mentally and physically. When I went back to church, people asked me to speak and I politely declined. Inside I was crying out, feeling like a failure and a fraud. The ten weeks I was away were rarely filled with joyous times. Other teams saw the result of years of labor and were able to baptize new believers that truly understood the gospel and were sharing it with others. I was in a hard place. I got sick, the people did not want to listen to what we had to say, the nights were long and I was homesick. I felt like to speak to about my trip to people back home, I would have to tell them great stories that didn't happen. I would have to lie to cover up this new, miserable me that went away trusting God to do great things and came back broken and sad. 

This month I shared for the first time. It has been almost a full year since I left for that trip and it has taken me almost that long to realize that God did do great things. He worked in ways I could not see at the time. He protected us from grave danger that we heard of once we were safe in another city. He allowed us to disciple two men that are now assisting leaders in the local church. I stepped out in faith and God used me. We planted seeds. It wasn't perfect and it wasn't grand, two things that I felt I needed to be able to communicate a successful trip to the members of my church. But finally, I was able to stand up and to bear witness to the things God is doing all over the world. 

In this book, Emily references Mark 5. In the story of Mark 5, we see a woman who was healed after she touched Jesus' robe. This woman had been bleeding for twelve years and could not be healed until she touch the robe of Jesus. The bleeding stopped but when Jesus addressed the crowd and asked who had touched his robe, she did not want to raise her hand and show her face. But as Jesus waited, she could hide no longer. "She stepped out from behind her comfort zone and fell at the feet of Jesus." She was dearly loved by the Most High. He took time to tell her so. Hiding behind the mask wasn't an option. Now, she would bear witness to Jesus' love and all would see how He healed her. 

It is a crutch that our world allows us to fall on. The norm is acceptable. Living in your comfort zone, never allowing yourself to be vulnerable or hurt and seeking perfection. Stepping out can be uncomfortable. It exposes us and at the same time it frees us from the need to be perfect, to have all the answers and the be the good girl. You are dearly love by the Lord Jesus and he wants you to be bold and be brave in that truth. Stepping out from your comfort zone can be hard but it's not impossible. " What if, instead of walking into a room with a wall around me, I was able to walk into a room and move toward others in freedom? Before I am able to do that, I have to be convinced I am safe. And that is exactly what Jesus came to do."