Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Heart Vomit

In this season in my life, I shouldn't be here in this little space spending time pouring out my heart to a world that consists of the 3 people that will read it. Yes, I am in nursing school - But I need a place to go, to pour it all out and up to Jesus. Maybe it will help if I can write it down, bare my soul in written word so that one day I can reflect on this crazy life.

Tonight, I can't pick up the books. I can't force myself to look at the meaningless words when I know tomorrow is looming. Tomorrow is a day that has been long awaited. Court. I hate court days - they are full of anxiety, tension, sadness and the completely unnatural feeling of a child being held on the other side of the room, away from the ones that should have loved and protected them. In this case, baby M will be sitting with my parents - people who were once complete strangers to the faces scattered across the room. A couple who loves unconditionally and falls completely head-over-heels for the ones that God has placed in our home. (Can I give a clap for getting to live life with them?!)

343 days to grow with this little one and I am praying for many more. If you haven't heard me say it lately, foster care has changed my life. Who gets to live life, in their 20's, with an adorable infant and not have to parent them?! HOLLA! 

But in all seriousness, tomorrow is a huge day. I feel like after tomorrow we will be one step closer to answers - answers that baby M deserves and answers that our hearts long for.  As I prayed for the sweet one that I rocked to sleep a few hours ago, I lifted up her little body to Jesus. Only He knows what is best for her and only He knows what the future will hold. And praise for those times when you just feel a Jesus hug, times like when I start a new bible study and the first heading says "Experiencing God's Protection" and goes on to say... For the hebrews, knowing meant experiencing. To truly say they knew about something meant they had dealt with it in real life, on a personal level. Well folks, foster care is personal. It's your heart and child's life that hang on the words of the judge. And this sweet souls that walk the halls of juvenile court need protection, they need to experience the holy covering of Jehovah-Sabaoth. My heart needs that same protection daily. Jesus, draw near and let us experience the crazy miraculous strength of your {every-single-moment} protection.

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