Friday, April 3, 2015

Where's My Paddle?

Where to even begin...
I often use this space to keep a journal of sorts that documents what life looks like for my sister and I. But there are times when my heart shows up FULL and I need to share what is stirring. This art of written word that I love so much has fallen to the way side in the past few months. 

From graduating college to beginning my job in the NICU, life has not slowed down and sometimes a moment in the word or sleep takes precedence over the blog. There are days I find myself getting caught up in the business and in those same moments feeling as if I am not doing enough, feeling inadequate and overwhelmingly blessed all at once. With all the emotions swirling, creating the perfect storm for a panic stricken meltdown, suddenly my heart grows quiet and still and I know that He is near. 

It has become a routine to diligently and whole-heartedly call to the Lord for peace. 
I feel as if I do not even know what normal is anymore.
Do I want to know?
Do I want to return to what has been comfortable and safe in my distant past?
If I search my heart and look at all that God has done in the past 4 years, I cannot say that I want to stop and reach for normal. 

Yahweh has met me in the middle, ushered me into time of embracing a new attitude towards change
 and moving into adulthood. 

In reference to her experience paddle boarding and it's correlation to a pursuit of perfection, Shauna Niequist spoke to my soul:

"Forward motion brings stability. Sometimes we just have to pick a direction & start pulling the paddle through the water & along the way we will get the stability & confidence we're looking for." 

So perfectly timed & eloquently spoken, these words could not speak more truth about the transition from student into professional, child to adult. If we are being completely real, life is really scary. I feel as if I am ill-prepared for the tasks that are set before me. My natural tendency is to pull away, to sink back into what I know is comfortable, the norm. 

Thankfully, that is not an option at this point in life. Adulthood has begun.
 I am met in the mornings by sick and screaming babies who need someone to be brave enough to walk the journey of healing with them. I have friends who need to be pointed back to Jesus when the mountains are high and the valleys are low. I have fellow Memphians that need me to reject the norm, the prejudice, the cultural barriers and to love with open hands and an open heart. 

And really, will I ever be ready? 
Will I ever know all that I need to know about medicine or commitment or holiness? 

With great confidence, I can answer "no". Not at all. 

But God chose me. He chooses me each and every day. 
I am not here, in the throws of relationships and work and community, by my own will and ambition. 
Even still, I am  given the choice to walk away and to attain to comfort. It is a choice to put the paddle in the water and pull. 

So here we go, seeking stability in the boldness of embracing change.  
Put down inadequacy, pick up confidence and jump in with all that you have. 

1 comment:

  1. This post is totally speaking my heart right now when I've been at a loss for what to say. My circumstances are indeed different but I've been feeling similar things. And the quote from Shauna...LOVE!!


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