I'm Just a Dreamer

My dream is to be a nurse. I am in my second semester of nursing school and working very hard for the dream! The question everyone asks when you tell them that you are in nursing school is "what kind of nurse do you want to be?"

The honest answer to that question is, I have no idea. Some people have always know exactly which area they want to practice in - they dream of cuddling premature babies or holding the hand of a dying elderly oncology patient. Let's be real, I'm a little squeamish so it may take some time for me to work up to much of anything that involves blood or smells. I know, it's weird - but I will get through it.

But I really want to do THIS.

Once I graduate {fingers crossed} I plan to get a little experience under my belt in a hospital. They say the best teacher is experience so that seems like a good, safe first step. 

After that, the door is wide open. 

I have stumbled on this thing called Mercy Ships. It's pretty incredible.  
I feel like missions is where my heart lies. The ability to offer a physical fix for health problems opens the door to offer an answer to spiritual problems. 

Lord, send me.

Lost

Some days, I feel like a nomad. Considering the fact that I have been sitting on the couch doing homework all evening, clearly I am no one that is wandering. Not physically at least. It's my heart. My heart never seems to be still. Some days, it's quite distracting and relentless. Every time I hear a mention of a far away country or an unvisited place, my heart and my head start racing. In my dreams, I am taken there. To the orphans, to the sweltering sun of South America or to a quite house that I may have visited this summer. These dreams, these thoughts take me out of reality and into a world where I long to be. College has been tough. Some days, I feel trapped in a town I feel I may never have the bravery to leave and in the monotonous routines of everyday life as a student. During class, I scan my favorite missionary blogs to read new stories and discover the faces of new believers in many places all over the world. It brings me joy and a deep sadness that I am not there-that I am stuck. Stuck here to try and concentrate on my education and the things that life throws at me. And then, all at once, it hits me. God has me in this season for a very specific purpose. Shepard to the wandering sheep, Jesus knows how to deal with a lamb that has strayed. My walk with Him has strayed because of this wandering. My heart cannot rest. It longs for things that are not here, not now. This past week I listened to an excerpt from Jennifer Rothschild's "Missing Pieces". She leads her readers to Judges 6 where the Lord is speaking to Gideon. In the explanation of this passage, Jennifer shares with us that "God is present in Gideon's presence, but Gideon is not present in the present." Gideon dwells on the things that the Lord has done in the history of the Israelites. He cannot see that God is with them NOW.  The statement that I put in quotes was profound to me. In the past years I have experienced so many life defining moments and I have truly been able to feel God's presence. When I was scared and lonely in a remote village of the Philippines, God calmed me. Some nights, after intimate and intense prayer, I could literally feel a calm and stillness wash over my trembling body. But after listening to this message, it was so clear to me that in those moments that I was calm, the moments when my heart was still, safe and resting happily, those were the moments that I was completely present in the present. I was resting in God's presence in that very moment. And so, as I have mulled over those thoughts this week, I am reminded to dream contently. Trusting God to bring me into situations or opportunities that will allow me to wander closer to His kingdom and rest in His truth.

Restless and Ready

This week has been slow. As exams lurk in the distance, there is much time to be spent "studying". I really try not to get distracted but I think I have an undiagnosed case of ADD. Seriously, even things I am completely uninterested in can get me off task this time of year. I have updated my bucket list, Christmas shopped, done laundry, etc...productive yet so very unproductive all at the same time!

Anyways, all this time gives me time to think. Time is something that I have not had much of this semester. I find myself changing every day. Changing into someone I never thought I would be but someone I am growing to love. I have always looked at big opportunities and risks and wondered what it must feel like to be the person getting to live that life. I find myself entering into a "waiting" phase of life, a phase that is not fun but must be completed. As I look toward the future I see opportunities that scare me to death; opportunities that I would not have even considered before I spent time on the mission field this summer. I now find God molding me into that person. I find myself craving adventure and pursuit of God's will. The pursuit of a life that lives out His will instead of sitting around trying to figure out what it is. I feel God preparing me for something big. The preparation is calculated; He is teaching me patience and discipline and giving me the confidence to conquer whatever He puts in my path.