Monday, April 1, 2013

To Love or Not to Love?

Tomorrow, I have planned a post about foster care - and in all of my planning I thought I would only write on that subject once this week. After all, I want my blog to be happy and uplifting and talking about foster care isn't always applicable to everyone. But let's face it, life isn't always happy - we all have sad days or bad days that just seem to get you down. Yep, today is one of those days.

Plans change and after court today I need an outlet because leaving a courtroom in tears can make you feel slightly psychotic and these feeling need to be heard or I might legit lose my mind. Buckle up, this may get a little bumpy. {and after rereading this, I want to delete it and cry but this is how I feel and this is my story - ugly cry and all}

I have said it before and I will say it again, God is my rock. I know God has a plan. I know He is ultimately in control. My God is a loving God but He is also just. 

Foster families have absolutely no control over the ruling of a judge. We sit in the background and we trust the government to do their job in seeing that the child's placement is safe and their best option. But how can the living conditions that this child may go back to be best? How can God keep giving children to a mother that refuses to care for them? Why does poverty even have to exist? 

It's not fair. Life is not fair and I don't want to get over it. Adults can make decisions and live with the rewards or consequences. Children don't have that option. I walked out of that court room today bawling. My heart breaks as I look at sweet Baby M and think of the possible future that she has ahead of her. I think of how unfair it is that her first trip out of the hospital was to a home with strangers instead of with loving parents.  I look at her sweet brown  eyes and wonder what all those eyes will see in her life. An then, I look at the judge and wonder how he does it all day? I would never have the heart or the patience to send children back to where they came from, to deal with adults who have made awful decisions and whose children are paying the consequences. And then there's poverty - this inexplicable circumstance that cycles through generations. The cycle is hard to break and in some cases impossible.  Let's get real, it sucks. Poverty takes many prisoners, it is brutal. 

So where does God come into all of this? Baby M isn't old enough to know who we are and much less that Jesus loves her. But it is one life. One tiny life that is stuck in the middle of all of this needed a safe place to land. This is where it gets hard, the rubber meets the road and my faith is truly exposed. If my family did this just to be "good people" there is no way we would make it. The emotional toll that the process of foster care takes on each of us is difficult. 

As hard as it may be, today I choose to trust God. Even if Baby M was sent back home tomorrow, I have to know that God will watch over Her. She is in his loving arms just as I am. To me, one of the most interesting things about life is that there are things that we will not understand. Why does cancer exist? Why do babies have to die of neglect or starvation? It makes no sense. But God in all of His holiness knows what He is doing and He doesn't need for me to understand, He just needs me to trust and obey. If we humble ourselves before the Lord, He will care for us. 

I guess it's not up to me to make conditions: Lord, I will do this as long as things go the way I think that they should. My job is to love Baby M. It might break my heart into a million pieces but I can do that, I can love. 
“It may take place in a foreign land or it may take place in your backyard, but I believe that we were each created to change the world for someone. To serve someone. To love someone the way Christ first loved us, to spread His light. This is the dream, and it is possible.” -Kisses From Katie


  1. "Adults can make decisions and live with the rewards or consequences. Children don't have that option." was the best thing you wrote. It's so true. That's why as a adults we should look out for them.

    I hope everything works out for the best. Always know that God has a plan greater than we will ever know.


  2. I was a court-appointed special advocate and saw so many children like that... It absolutely breaks my heart, especially as a new mom now myself. God is awesome, though, and will take care of that sweet baby no matter whose home she's in. You are an absolutely amazing woman! *hugs* (I'm a new follower!)


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